So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
