the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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