I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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