I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
