he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
