She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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