I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
