I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
