Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
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I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
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remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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