3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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