I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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