I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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