Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
