3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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