Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
