He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
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I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
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hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay