So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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