For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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