He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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