Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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