I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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