so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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