He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
