he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
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ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
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It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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