I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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