Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
