you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
