It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
