Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
not ubering you a puppy
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
