just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
