I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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