he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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