Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
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Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
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Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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