Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
