i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
