3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
