Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
