i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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