I cockslap morals
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I had to cum in my sink.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
