i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
