at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
