just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Randomize
