Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
