How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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