My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
