fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
PANTIES FOUND
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