Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
3 2 1 whiskey
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
