I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
