i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
