Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
