T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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