There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
