I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I supernannyed him into submission
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
