Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Randomize
