Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
