I need to stop coming to work sober
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
