Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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